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The Journey Through Grief and Loss: Helping Yourself and Your Child When Grief Is Shared, by Robert Zucker
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When adults face a significant loss, they must grapple with their own profound grief, and they are often called upon to nurture and support their grieving children. This is the first book to address this very common dual grieving challenge. As a practicing psychotherapist for twenty-nine years, Robert Zucker can offer parents and other concerned readers important insights into managing their own grief while supporting their grieving children. He offers:
• Understanding how adults and children grieve differently
• Learning how to explain the meaning of death to children
• Knowing what to do when grief gets complicated
• Deciding when they and/or their child need counseling
• Helping their family members stay connected with loved ones even after death.
For the countless parents who have tried blocking out their own grief in order to be available to their child, Robert Zucker provides a measure of comfort. This book will reassure readers that a grieving parent can still be an effective parent.
- Sales Rank: #400145 in Books
- Published on: 2009-08-18
- Released on: 2009-08-18
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x .65" w x 5.50" l, .60 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 288 pages
About the Author
ROBERT ZUCKER has been a licensed certified social worker in private practice for past twenty five years. He runs specialized bereavement groups and speaks frequently across the country.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Death Changes Everything
The world as you once knew it is shattered by a death that has left a profound void in your life. Whether this death was sudden or you had time to prepare, you are probably feeling disoriented and in deep shock. As a parent, however, there is a particular gravitas to your grief: A child you love is sharing your loss. Even as this most profound of losses is shaking you to the core, you must somehow rise to the challenge and assist your child, who is also grieving
Like adults, children grieve when someone close to them dies. Whether your child has lost a parent or a sibling, a grandparent or a dear friend, you need to be there to provide support, guidance, reassurance, honesty, and patience. Most important, you need to provide a strong and loving presence.
There Are Many Faces of Grief
The first step of your journey through grief is to appreciate that you and your child may grieve differently. There are as many ways to grieve as there are grievers, so don’t try to fit your grief into anyone else’s mold or expectations. While some grievers cry day and night, others feel completely numb. While some are exhausted and feel the need to nap frequently, others may stay awake for days. Some may be ravenously hungry while others have no appetite at all. Some need to talk while others long for solitude, and some experience heightened libido while others lose all interest in sex. In later chapters we’ll look closely at various styles of adult grief, for now it’s simply important to remember that for both children and adults, normal grief has many faces.
How Children Perceive Death
Children grieve differently from adults. Up to the age of ten, they will typically have difficulty understanding what death means. There are three reasons why this is so:
1. Young children often aren’t given accurate, age- appropriate information about what death means.
2. It takes them a long time to fully appreciate the meaning of death itself, since they have trouble grasping some basic concepts about death.
3. Young children are likely to blame themselves unnecessarily whenever someone they love dies. This is called “magical thinking.”
Children of all ages tend to believe they have somehow caused the death, and correcting this view is different for younger ones than it is for preteens and teens.
Later in this book we’ll go over how to explain the facts of a death clearly and accurately to a child of any age. For now, we’ll simply focus on what helps kids of various ages understand the concept of death. In a quick summary:
• Preverbal children often need comfort more than words.
• Two- to five- year- olds typically struggle with the fundamental concepts that determine a death and require loads of patience.
• Six- to nine- year- olds tend to become overwhelmed by the notion that death is universal, benefiting from appropriate information and a great deal of reassurance.
• Preteens grasp the concept of death but tend to intellectualize their loss. They need to be listened to and respected.
• Teens often bring a tricky emotional package to their grief and require careful attention and support.
The Three Phases of Grief
There are three rather predictable phases on the grief journey for adults and children alike:
Phase One: Early Grief: During early grief you may struggle to come to terms with the reality of what has happened. Consequently, your earliest reactions might be a defiant denial, high anxiety, or numbness.
Phase Two: The Second Storm of Grief: Often occurring around six months after a death, the second storm is a time of renewed deep pain. This phase of grief may seem unbearable, and you may even wonder if you will survive the storm.
Phase Three: The Search for Meaning: Eventually, you start to shape a new and meaningful life despite your loss. Sometimes during this phase you may even feel gratitude for lessons learned on the journey.
Since grief is not a linear pro cess, these phases often overlap. Adults, for example, may grapple with painful feelings while still denying that the death ever happened, or may discover a new purpose in life even while dealing with painful or unresolved memories. And children may struggle with the pain of a loss before they are fully capable of understanding the concept of death.
Grief Does Not Come with an Expiration Date
It was Robert Benchley who said, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” Learning to go on after loss often means rethinking your relationship with the one who has died. For many, both adults and children, religious belief contributes to the ability to think of the dead in heaven or in some other celestial context. For others, the dead hold a place in their hearts, which inspires them to live well in their memory.
Even once you have made peace with your loss, you may still experience surges of painful grief, called triggers. These may occur on anniversary dates, like birthdays and dates of death, or (even many years after a death) during significant life transitions: high school graduation, marriage, births of children and grandchildren, divorce, retirement. Sometimes, too, the dead return in waking visions, in dreams, or in other seemingly unexplainable ways. The old notion of needing to let go and move on as quickly as possible after a death may no longer be as relevant as establishing ongoing relationships with those who have died. No matter what age you are when the loss occurs, grief may actually be a lifelong pro cess. And perhaps, when someone you cared for deeply has died, it should be.
Preparing for the Journey That Lies Ahead
Grief is tough for everyone; it’s even more difficult when you are also concerned about your child or children. This book will help you to prepare for the great journey ahead of you, and to take heart knowing that you and your child have much to gain by walking together, hand in hand.
Excerpted from The Journey Through Grief and Loss by Robert Zucker.
Copyright 2009 by Zucker, Robert.
Published in August 2009 by St. Martin?s Press.
All rights reserved. This work is protected under copyright laws and reproduction is strictly prohibited. Permission to reproduce the material in any manner or medium must be secured from the Publisher.
Most helpful customer reviews
8 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
Great guidance for grieving families
By Lisa Athan
As a grief educator, who speaks on grief and loss in the lives of children, teens, and adults, I have found this book to be one of the best resources around. Not only is it full of helpful information and suggestions for both adults and children, but it is a compassionate guide for a grieving parent to turn to at a difficult time. I own over 100 books on grief and loss and is one of my top ten recommendations. The reader will learn about the difference between adult and child grief as well as learn such important ideas as how to talk about death to children, returning to school and to work, and the signs when a child may need professional help with their grief. The end of the book has an entire listing of grief support groups and grief centers throughout the US as well as other suggested books and web sites. Highly recommend this.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
Comforting Book On Grief Especially To Help Children
By Mary Jane Hurley Brant
As a grief therapist and author myself I found Robert Zucker's advice about how to describe death to a child better than any other I have ever read, "...the person's body has totally stopped working." For very young children he advises being even more specific, "Her eyes don't see, her ears don't hear, her brain can't think or remember." I believe if a child hears this definition he or she might fear less about death.
I was appreciative of the tender story of Jose, a little boy who wanted to die on his own terms. Equally touching was the story of the young child whose greatly admired principal had died suddenly and how a compassionate teacher patiently handled this child's loss and search for understanding. These explicit examples teach us all how to proceed in an area that we will all struggle with in our lives and how to share grief. Death changes us and most of us feel lost in how to process it.
I was particularly touched with the author - who himself is licensed, certified social worker and Fellow in Thanatology - sharing his own story about his beloved grandmother who while a natural storyteller of painful losses of beloved family in the Holocaust she did not herself speak of the death of her 10 year old daughter who had died of Polio. Because the author's grandmother was so naturally distressed by this monumental loss the child's name went unspoken in his family. This loss became what he grew up realizing was a "secret grief." Blessedly, Robert Zucker wrote this book stressing the importance of speaking the deceased person's name whether child or adult.
In the last section of the book the author implores us to encourage a child that it is okay to be happy again and to have a life.
Yes, the gift of life in all of its pain but with all of its glory and meaning, too.
Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP
Author of When Every Day Matters:
A Mother's Memoir on Love, Loss and Life
Simple Abundance Press
[...]
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent resource for parents, families and counselors
By Kristi
As a professional grief counselor, I have yet to find a better resource on the subject of parental and child grief combined in one book. Robert Zucker has written a guide that is a must have for any grieving family. I highly recommend this book!
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